It was a blistering cold winter night when my parents brought me home. The year was 1981, and to my parents delight they were able to claim me as a dependent on their tax form despite a mere 27.5 hours until the clock struck midnight and the year would be a new. The new parents carefully carried me through the blizzard and into the safety of my new abode. With pride in their eyes, they lovingly looked down upon me as they unwrapped me from the armor of my blankets and coats only to realize I had shit all over myself.

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